at livejournal.

so we're starting a feeble attempt at another blog, but it will be co-operated by richard and myself. it's brand new and boring so far, but if you're interested (all err...about 4 of my friends, lol) you can check it out :)

www.krazyaboutkynlee.wordpress.com

Took a trip to Glen Rose. Awesome fun for the whole family.

Sold my dining set, turned a profit, buying a brand new set for cheaper than what I sold mine on Craigslist. I am a Craigslisting master.

And I traded in my car for a 2008 Hyundai Santa Fe. It's sooooo purty!!!!!

I would add pics of all of these things, but I don't know how. So, I am NOT a livejournal master. Geh.

And by cute, I mean enormously embarrassing.

I had my once-a-year evaluation today at school. That's where the principal comes in for an hour and watches you teach a lesson. 5 minutes into my lesson, one of my students says "Ms. Dorman, what's wrong with your neck? It's all red and splotchy."

for a snow day tomorrow!!!

blah.

after kynlee goes to bed, i can only keep myself so busy before i finish my to-do list. i can only read so many books. i can only respond to so many emails. i can only take so many pictures. i can only return so many phone calls. and then comes the silence, the boredom, the loneliness.

i think i'm getting cabin fever. i know it doesn't really count as that, seeing as i'm actually only home alone for the evenings, and go to work everyday. but i deal with 2nd graders all day, everyday, and then i come home and deal with a 1-year old, most nights by myself because richie is working really late these days. i miss adult interaction. i miss being able to leave for a midnight run to the store or taco bell if i have a craving. i was so used to doing what i wanted, when i wanted, at the drop of a hat. now that's been traded in for having to be home at 7pm, and being asleep by 11pm as opposed to my old 4am habits.

i hope i don't seem like i'm complaining about being a mom. i wouldn't trade kynlee for the world. and i don't have a right to feel lonely, i have amazing friends who visit, and it's a rare week that kynlee and i aren't doing dinner, shopping, etc. with someone. i don't really know how to pinpoint my recent anxiety. i think maybe i really just need a little getaway.

which is precisely my plan...details pending

you are a selfish prick.

This month, Richie and I combined have made $8,000. That is how much I lived on for a YEAR after douche-bag left. Well, that and mountains of credit cards. But I am finally getting back on my feet. Paying off debt. Paying bills on time again. Anyway. I think it's cause for a celebration! 

Any suggestions? 

Just to get through the week. I have 2 funerals to attend. My boyfriend's best friend, and a girlfriend's husband. Both devastating losses. Have to get a sub for Wed and Thurs. On top of that, Kynlee is sick. Poor thing has allergies. Had to take her to the doc today, after my faculty meeting, before a 6:30 appt with other friends helping out with my girlfriend's husband's services. Progress reports go out at 10am tomorrow, which means I get to stay up entering grades tonight. How many do I have entered as of yet, you ask? That would be zero. Do I have lesson plans for the week? Nope. Do I have plans for the substitutes I'll need this week? Negative.

I feel like there isn't enough of me right now. I'm neglecting work, neglecting Kynlee, not giving Richie enough attention,  not giving my friend Curran enough either. Although I'm trying as much as I can. Spent Friday night with him, all of yesterday with her. What do you do when you just can't be in 2 places in once?

Oh, and the icing on the cake is that my mom laid a big fat guilt trip on me for not being with Kynlee yesterday (yesterday is when I got the call about my friend's husband and I spent the day with her).

I think my head might explode.

My class is fun...I have 17 kids, fresh into 2nd grade. I have lots of stories, but no energy just yet to retell all of them. I'm still plenty overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed out. But I'm hanging in there.

Kynlee is 9 months today. She got her top two teeth last week, so she's got 4 choppers now. She stands up from the sitting position on her own...what is that about?!? She's only 9 months. Of course, she can't get very far yet, she almost immediately falls as soon as she stands. But still. Goes to the doc tomorrow and we'll see how much she's grown :o)

Chicken pot pie is calling my name.

 the first day of school. That is all the energy I can muster.

That's right. I said it. They rock.

My dilemma for next week (needing a babysitter for Kynlee when my family will be in Colorado) has been solved. AND I have help for decorating my classroom.

On Wednesday, Karli, Emilee, Sindy, Leslie, and Sharon are all coming to help put my classroom together. Thank goodness. I need lots of brains to make a fun room on a $0 budget!

Thursday, when I'm at WOW training, Erin is taking the day off work to come watch Kynlee the whole day!! She's even staying through the evening when I have Meet the Teacher night. Friday, Amy is keeping Kynlee, along with her own 2 kiddos, while she is pregnant and nauseous. And Heather is giving up her Friday night to come watch her so that Richie and I can still go to our Toadies concert...we had been contemplating selling the tickets. And they're all doing it knowing full well that I have no money to pay them. Yep...I'm a lucky girl.

I just hope I can repay everyone somewhere, sometime, somehow. For everything they've done for me.



P.S. I feel so silly even thinking it, much less saying it out loud, but I miss Richie so much it almost hurts. Who knew four days could be so long?

Because Kynlee is asleep, Richie's at practice, the house is clean and I'm kind of bored.

1)Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A. Yep...with my best friend. He's everything I never knew I always wanted. 6 months now.

2) What was your dream growing up?
A. to travel

3) What talent do you wish you had?
A. I love to sing. I suck at it. So, I wish I were better at it.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A. Non-alcoholic would be diet mountain dew...I'm addicted. For adult beverages, I love me some Blue Moon.

5) Favorite vegetable?
A. Oooooh, that's so hard to choose. I love peas and carrots.

6) What was the last book you read?
A. The Opposite Shore. No, it's not good. It was a spontaneous purchase for a buck from the Dollar General. I want my dollar back.

7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.Scorpio.

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A.Ten holes in my ear (6 in one, 4 in the other), and a small heart tattoo on my foot.

9) Worst Habit?
A. Myspace

10) If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?
A. Before I had Kynlee, yeah...I've been known for picking up a hitchhiker or two. I know, I know. Stupid. I wouldn't do it anymore.

11) What is your favorite sport?
A. Basketball. I miss playing.

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A. It's weird...I almost always have an optimistic disposition, even if inside I'm terrified or anxious about something.  All in all, I'd have to say I'm optimistic.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A. Hehe...there's a story about me and 7 of my dorm friends from sophomore year of college who got stuck in an elevator in the middle of the night for a LOOOOOOOONG time...we were finally rescued by the fire department, we had to be cut out. Everyone else started to get scared and anxious, so I sang songs and made jokes.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A. Well, what I thought was the worst thing happen to me turned out to be the best thing ever. A year ago I would have said that being left by my husband while I was jobless, insurance-less, and 6 months pregnant to take care of a house, 2 dogs, and an impending child would be the worst thing that had ever happened. In retrospect, it was my biggest blessing in disguise. I'm stronger, smarter, and so much happier now.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A. I can move my eyes one at a time, independently of each other.

16) Do you have any pets?
A.two dogs....Tyson and Ambi, a boxer and black lab/mutt, respectively

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A. Ooooh, fun. Did you bring cookies?

18) What was your first impression of me?
A. I thought you smelled like blueberries. Who is this talking about??

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A. Depends on situation.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A. Ehhh, there are lots of things that I could nit-pick about myself, but anything I'd really like to change about myself, I could do it anytime I decide to get my butt in gear, so I can't complain when it's my choice.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A. Are we talking jail time? Probably conscience. If we're speaking of fun silliness, you better count me in.

22) What color eyes do you have?
A. Azul

23) Ever been arrested?
A. Does asking to be handcuffed by the cops at Mardi Gras count? No...ok then, nope.

24) Bottle or can soda?
A. bottle, much less chance for my clumsy ass to spill it!

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.Pay off credit cards, take a trip to Europe with my honey.

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A. At home with my 2 loves or friends.

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A. Eh

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A. Spare time? We're talking about after work, after cooking dinner and cleaning the house and spending QT with Kynlee? Ok then, cuddling up on the chaise lounge with Richie and watching a movie or talking in bed until we fall asleep. We also love hanging out with friends.

30) Do you swear a lot?
A. Been trying to cut back now that Kynlee is mimicking all of our sounds

31) Biggest pet peeve?
A. Lying

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A. Genuine.

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A. Yes to both, with the right person.

Fridge died. Stopped being cold.  A 2 year old fridge, wtf??? I had to empty out all contents, and throw half of everything away. As if I wasn't poor enough already.

Tomorrow is my last day here to work at Romeo Engineering. I'm excited to be back into my "real" career field, but I'm also sad to leave. These people have been awesome to me. They took me in when I needed a job desperately, they worked with me having to take Kynlee to the doctor, and they've just been awesome. I am nervous about jumping back into teaching in a brand new school where nobody knows me, and I have to reestablish myself all over again.

My dad fixed my lawnmower. He even mowed my yard for me. He even edged and weedeated! He's awesome.

I'm still a nutcase.

I still have the most amazing boyfriend ever, and friends, who all put up with my nuttiness. I guess I'm entertaining in a crazy kind of way.

I don't get to see Richie for four days. That makes me sad. However, he's training for a new job, which is good!

Awww crap. Boss needs me to run to the bank. I suppose it's just as well, I've got nothing terribly pressing to talk about. Just wanted to update.

That you work sooooooooooo much that you can't seem to ever find time to see your daughter, but you don't work quite enough to hand over that HUGE bill of $200/month for child support?

Man. Must be a hard life...living off your girlfriend's salary and insurance while your daughter gets nothing from you. That takes a real man.

Where do you draw the line?

Let the record show that I absolutely, completely, one hundred percent DO appreciate having my parents around to help with Kynlee when I need it. Having them as a free babysitter while I work. Asking to watch her for a couple hours while I run errands or see a movie. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. They have done so much for us.

However, I feel like because they've done so much, they feel entitled. They feel like I owe them something. And that something is control. They want to be the ones making decisions regarding Kynlee. They want to tell me what's best for her. It's like "ok, for our time investment with your daughter, we get to stake a claim in all of your decisions regarding her." They tell me what I can and can't do with her, where I should and shouldn't take her, and now it's coming to a head. My mother is actually MAD at me because I had to arrange for someone else (mind you, someone I trust and love implicitly, especially with the health and safety of Kynlee) to take her to her 9 month doctor's appointment when I work and my family will be in Colorado. She has, for a week now, been begging me to change the appointment for when she gets back. I could, very easily, just say ok, and do it, because I do trust her, and that would be fine. However, it's the principle of the matter! Shouldn't she trust me to make the right decision for MY daughter?

So I was just talking to Adryan about fantasy letters I wish I could actually have the balls to send to people. Unfortunately, in most cases, or in most of MY cases anyway, they would do nothing/resolve nothing. In fact, I don't even think that Jimmy, his girlfriend, or his mother have the brain capacity to understand a majority of what I'd want to say to them. Anyway, I was reminded of when Anna (keep in mind, this is the girl who had an affair with my husband, while knowing full well that he was married and had a child on the way), wrote me an email in mid December. After sharing it with my friends, a few of them had some lovely words back to her. Of course, I never sent them, but I feel like they'd be wasted if someone didn't get to read them. The favorite response was from Adryan, so here it is, for everyone's viewing pleasure :)

From Anna (again, keep in mind, Jimmy and I are STILL MARRIED at this point):

i know i am the last person you want to hear from ... but i hope you will find it in your heart to let Jimmy be a father he wants to be one i know you dont see that ... he has been trying to find a job and wants to help you .... i know you have your reasons for being this way i dont blame you but i really hope you will see he wants to be there for Kynlee... i dont expect to be all happy about the way thing are . If you need anything let me know i want you to see that i am trying to help you and him Kynlee needs him ,,, he may not be able to help financialy but Kynlee does not know the meaning of money every little girl needs there daddy you and i both know this ,,,, i hope you will talk to him jimmy did not want hurt both of you ~Anna




Adryan's response:

anna -

1. Yes, you are the last person i want to hear from. Primarily because despite how you've whored yourself into our marriage, the reality is that this has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. So i would appreciate it if you kindly kept your opinions to yourself in the future, they mean nothing to me.
2. As for my heart, that's obviously something you cared nothing about in the past, so your begging a favor of it now is fairly ludicrous.
3. I have NOT denied Jimmy anything in the way of being a father, as much as it's possible for him to be one. Unfortunately, the definition of a "good father", especially with a newborn, is to BE AROUND to do midnight changings, and help the mom out when she's exhausted and sore from feeding all the time. it's running errands when necessary, and ultimately taking care of everything he can because he loves and supports his family. and i don't consider this a right, it's a privilege. At 7 months pregnant when Jimmy walked out and left us, he gave up that privilege, and maybe he's finally realizing just what he gave up, and that's why he's so upset all of a sudden? DESPITE that, i have STILL not interfered with Jimmy's requests to see Kynlee when he wants to. All i ask is that he schedule his visits when there will be someone else here besides him. Given his propensity to throw tantrums in the past, throwing accusations and yelling at me and calling me names and swearing etc., i don't think it's unreasonable for me to want someone else here to encourage him to behave himself when he visits. So, what EXACTLY is it that you think i'm denying him? what does he want that he's not getting? and no more "just let him be a father!!!" because that's meaningless. What is your definition of "being a father" and how is it you see i'm keeping him from doing that? Aside from allowing him to come and go completely at his own discretion (which i think you should agree is unreasonable, this is now MY HOUSE after all, and has been ever since he signed OFF the lease to relieve himself of any financial responsibility putting a roof over his daughter's head) So what is it? what does he desperately need to do that i'm keeping him from doing?! i'm honestly completely unaware! I don't answer his calls on my cell phone anymore when all he ever did was yell and want to fight. So, if he needs to schedule time to see Kynlee, he is more than welcome to leave a message saying when he'd like to come over, and i will respond with times that will work, and when i can work out someone else being at the house.

4. Despite the fact that the remainder of your email makes me see red, i will refrain from commenting on your offer of "help", as you've helped enough, thanks. As for Kynlee needing a daddy, i completely agree, and that's one of the saddest things about this whole situation. She won't have a full time daddy, no matter how you slice it, at least not from Jimmy. He has created a situation that will make it impossible for him to be there for her like WE had planned from the beginning. That was his decision, and it makes me sick to think that Kynlee will NOT know her father like she should, and will NOT have the interaction with him growing up like i did with my father, or like every girl deserves to have. I can only hope that someday i'm able to provide her with a better man and father that can be the support she needs growing up, she deserves it.
Finally, i'd like to believe that Jimmy didn't intend to hurt either of us, but the fact is that he decided his "happiness" was more important than his responsibility to his wife and child, and more important than their happiness. Therefore, it is not his place anymore to decide what is best for her, it is mine, as her happiness IS more important to me than MINE. So even when it's hard, and even when i'm unhappy sometimes, i'm still here doing what's necessary to make her happy. I'm sorry that wasn' t something that was important enough to jimmy to resist sleeping with another woman, and leaving his family.

again, please control your urges and refrain from sending me any of your opinions again, i really don't think this is your business.

Ok so it's really not that bad. But whatever. I'm irritable.

Car is broken. May be battery. May be alternator. Who knows. Just stopped working. Awesome. Thank goodness for good samaritans who stop to help 2 pathetic girls trying to jump start a car and almost spark themselves on fire.

Ex mother in law wrote another email wanting to know when she starts getting Kynlee again on HER wednesdays. Complete disregard for anything that has happened between us in the past month.

House is a mess. Disaster area. Good note: bought myself a "congrats on getting a great job and keeping your house for the last year" reward. It's a 50 inch plasma tv. My first real purchase in a year. No interest for 2 years. $72/month for 2 years. I can handle it.  But back to house being a mess. Yeah. Boxes, styrofoam, bubble wrap, packing material everywhere. Too lazy to do anything about it at the moment.

Dipshit got Kynlee tonight from 5-9 and she didn't sleep the entire time. When I got home, he literally handed her over and she fell asleep in my arms. Poor little thing.

Have to start training a new girl at work tomorrow. Which is not a terrible thing. I like people. I'm just in a stressed out mood with everything going on.

Oh. And my boyfriend shaved his head and now looks like a skinhead. Which he's not. But he still looks like one.

***UPDATE***  So my bad day turned into a hellish night. Kynlee woke up at midnight, which she NEVER does, and did not go back to sleep until 2:30. I am not only exhausted. Now I'm worried. This little angel has been sleeping through the night for 6 months. What is with this? If I held her, she was fine, the second I tried laying her down, she acted like I was cutting one of her limbs off or something. What the hell did jackass do to her last night when she was with him from 5-9???

 So, sperm donor is supposed to get visitation with Kynlee on alternating Saturdays from 8:00am to 5:00pm, right? Before I go further, let me clarify by stating that I do not look forward to these days. I do not like her being with him. I think she will gain nothing from him, ever, except disappointment and disgust as she gets older. However, they are court ordered, so I guess I have to follow the law. Anyhow, Richie and I have kind of started a habit of using those Saturdays as "sleep in" and "go to the movies" days. Today was no different. We actually stayed up too late last night with friends over, drinking and playing Monopoly, in anticipation of being able to sleep until noon tomorrow if we wanted (which we probably wouldn't be able to do anyways, considering "sleeping in" for us these days means getting up at 9 instead of 7)  AND going to see the Dark Knight, which we had been waiting all week to see. So I wake up in time to get Kynlee dressed, fed, changed, hang out with her a bit before she has to leave. Then, what do ya know? Get a phone call at, oh, about 8:06am, from guess who? "Um, I'm not gonna be able to pick Kynlee up today, I got pink eye."

What the fuck ever. You know, if you're going to go out drinking the night before, why don't you just let me know THEN that you won't be picking her up the next morning? The divorce/custody agreement that we signed agrees that he is supposed to give 24 hours notice if he's not going to make his visitation. So I get a negative 6 minute notice. Awesome. Thanks. Again, to clarify, not that I'm upset about spending the day with Kynlee, just that he is so god damned self-righteous, he just comes and goes as he pleases and leaves me to clean up his mess. Still. I'm not your damn wife anymore! If you can't get her, how about you pay for a fucking babysitter because maybe I already had plans? Ok, except I would never do that, because I'm secretly happy that he's not getting her. Ugh. It's all so messy. 

Anyway. Whatever. We hung out, we all took naps, Mom babysat while we saw the Dark Knight. We bugged Kayla up at Cotton Patch and Kynlee made new friends. She loves other babies. Loves loves looooooooooooves them. Wants to put them in her pocket and bring them home with us loves them.

Now I'm home with Kynlee. Richie's in Dallas playing poker. I can't remember the last time I had the night to myself. Friends want me to meet up with them downtown, but it honestly doesn't sound that appealing right now. I've almost forgotten what kind of things I did pre-baby. Watched tv? Read? Took baths? I suppose I could do some of those. Or I could just continue sitting her on my chaise, reading through random LJ entries. I don't know why I like reading about other people's lives so much.